boys

An email I wrote to a friend -

So the "friend" came over last night - he brought himself a beer (RARE) & a blunt. After I have expressed to him (of course not last night accourding to him) how difficult it is for me to have nothing to use to drown in my sorrows - but of course thats not what he is doing - so I had to freak out (all phone convo after he left) at him basically to make him understand that I have nothing to get my mind of this world no way to chill out no way to cope - he told me I have xanax. Then I had to go into a whole schpeal about hot that is so I can go places so I can calm my body down how it isn't something I even want to take - that it isn't something to get me wasted - of course all these convos happen when he is "super tired" well it isn't my fucking fault he only hangs out with me at night & when he leaves all this is brewing.

He seriously thinks/thought we could go from being "lovers" to being "friends" without any time apart - he doesn't understand me & I don't understand him - I explained how it is so confusing & he thinks because we stop cuddling & we haven't had sex in awhile that the confusion just should have stopped! HAA!

off topic - i think my dog is pouting & it is really funny - she keeps playing the inside/outside game UGH - then when she comes in she thinks she is supposed to give her a treat because I was doing that for awhile working to get a new trick out of her - boy that was a fuck up! now she stands by the door when she comes in like WTF!

So today is a new day & I don't know what it will bring - I work really hard at not contacting him - he tells me that this friend thing is all about hanging out & getting to know each other because people change!! again WTF!! umm yeah people do change but not in an instant

He says that he eventually sees us back together - he will have to do a lot of changing to get me back - guys are difficult I know - but I know there is one out there who is better for me & stronger for me & enjoys the same things I do & isn't so damn selfish & stuck up their own ass

Did you know in our whole year+ relationship he never got me flowers till we "broke up" & he didn't get me flowers he got me a PLANT! A yard plant that I am supposed to put in my rented properties yard when neither of us even have a shovel?!?!

He told me like an hour before midnight the night before valentines day that he doesn't celebrate it - of course after I already had him a few small gifts some cards & some candy to give him sporadically through the day - nothing for sweetest day (which I don't really care about but kept reminding him about to give him a chance) & for our 1yr anniversary he gave me a card - yes I was in the hospital but nothing afterwards - Oh & he had already declared no presents - which of course being the kind of person I am I want to give give give & forced myself only to give him a $7 gift that I ran into at a craft store that was of meerkats - which at the time we were addicted to Meerkat Manor - just recently he told me his dog ate it & he was really sad & right now my dumb ass who told him last night was it - that it is all over & I can't see him anymore is now wanting to call the store & see if they have another one & the leave it for him in his car or on his porch - AHHHH!

I really have a difficult problem letting go. I think I need to work on that.

here i am

it has been hard lately - I moved into my own place & live with my dog & cat - I find it interesting that I make this transition as other people I know are giving up their private places & choosing to move into other peoples parents homes for none other than the fact than they don't stay there

it angers me to see perfectly free people lock themselves down

it is none of my business

today I am down

for some reason when I sit to write these days i don't know what to say - I have plenty to say but nothing comes out really

I am bored of myself I think - im on hold with crochet projects since I don't have the materials for them & other crafts are not really sounding like much fun - i think i am going to take a nap

Tuesday

I accidentally stayed the night with him last night - it was a total accident I passed out on the couch I was so tired - he moved me to the bed at some point but I don't really remember - I know I slept in all my clothes - I woke up when he got home from court - he asked for a continuance meaning he doesn't say he is guilty or not till later - he has to get a lawyer

He told me that we have to say we don't know what happened & how we got physical ... I know I was totally out of line & in his face but why would I even think of touching him - he says he was "restraining" me - I don't get it - I hadn't touched him & why would I - I am a bitch & I am a verbal fighter but I don't put my hands on people

It really sucks that I can come up with so many reasons of why this situation could happen.

I went over there early this evening - we ordered pizza & watched a movie!!! OMG!!! (he thinks movies are a waste of time)

When I first got there he was doing something downstairs so I walked upstairs & ordered dinner - I went to use the bathroom & on the bed was Violet(the blythe doll I wanted)! I ran out of the room & sat on the couch really fast! I didn't want to take away from him giving her to me

So then we did it ... I couldn't resist - I have been holding off for days - I even was annoyed that the night this all happened that I hadn't gotten some beforehand! I typically have NO libido whatsoever but since my med changes it is flying HIGH!!! We were in the living room so when we were done I made sure not to look to my right when I went in the room to go to the bathroom (he was probably like "she didn't see it ?!?!" heehee then while I was doing my thing out of the corner of my eye I saw him cover her up with a towel - when I went to walk out of the room he attempted to "TADA" me with her but I was going to quick so I wouldn't see her that I missed it

I got dressed & was on the floor checking something online & he was scooting her box up to me all creepy like!! I turned & was like AHH damn these things are a bit creepy!! :p

He did play some video games why I took a ton of shitty pics of her with my phone!

We settled in & watched the movie till about 20 mins were left & I decided we needed to do it again :)

He isn't a big sex fiend or anything - after the 1st time I told him we would be doing it every hour on the hour - I was giving him shit for not holding up to it!

His friend stopped by & hung out for a bit - I felt kind of stupid sitting there knowing this guy knows some shit went down & I am still sitting here - I started looking at apartments online & b ended up moving from next to me to down on the floor - I don't think he liked what he was seeing

I was close to leaving but he disappeared (he was downstairs packing his lunch) so I was just kind of waiting

He came back upstairs & ... well ... I went for a 3rd time - afterwards I was like ok gotta go (not like wham bam thank ya mam) he asked me why - I told him I had to feed my dog & take my meds - he whimpered a bit & I came home (I knew I could have given lila some of cash's food & I also had my meds with me)

Im supposed to talk to him tomorrow (well today) - he has to work at 7am & he is hoping he hasn't lost his job because he hasn't talked to anyone just left messages about not being able to come in

He told one of his friends he might hang out with them tomorrow night so I don't know if we will hang out or not

I don't know what I think about all this - it seems like he thinks "restraining" me was necessary & that makes no sense to me at all!

I know that I will need to go to court when he has to go for sentencing - I am going to write what I am going to say beforehand - I know I am going to suggest anger management classes & I am going to explain what a stressful situation we have been living in

I don't want to give him the benefit of the doubt but in so many ways I guess I can't blame him - with all my med changes & all the different people I have been during it - he told me he saw a demon in my eyes - that he saw my evil twin - all I could say was "well I am a gemini"

It is all starting to blur together & I don't know anymore *sigh*

I see my therapist tomorrow

meds -
600mg lithium
300mg seroquel
1mg klonopin
pre-menstrual

Today

He is sitting in jail today - he turned himself in so he can clear the warrant
I have seen him the past 2 days & he says he misses me a lot & doesn't want me to leave at bedtime - I am really proud of myself for leaving both nights

He is scared today - his mom told me he was really nervous this morning

I don't know what will happen with him & I - I love him so much but he needs help & I can't change him

Taking it slow is the way to go

Im working to find a place of my own - its scary but much needed - I have been connected at the hip with someone as far as I can I remember - it is about time I break loose & find myself

Everything happens for a reason - I hope he is finding his reason.

I think I am still in shock

i don't know what happened

I remember being tense - I remember going outside to eat alone because I was aggravated & wanted to calm down

next thing I know I am drop kicking my food & screaming just to throw it in the trash like my food from the night before & leave me alone!

After being ordered to leave by my bf because I was being "crazy" he made a CHOICE to then physically attack me - when all I wanted to do was walk past him to go get some pants & my keys

I remember being upside down in a headlock with my hands grabbing for something anything to get him off of me - i don't know how we separated that time but then I was going around the house to go in the front to get my shit - this time running into him in the living room for the same thing to happen - this time me eating the floor & having massive rug burn across my face

My whole body hurts today - my mind & my heart the worst

Last night I could not get comfortable at all - my ears hurt - I am guessing from my head being shoved up against him - my right hand pinky - my left side & it really hurts to move my neck - im so glad I went to the chiropractor 3 days before *eyeroll*

All of my stuff is in my mothers garage

I really thought things were changing - I really thought our relationship was getting stronger - I was seeing him care for me more than others had - I know I am not easy to handle & he was doing so great at dealing with me - I was so happy that we had just celebrated 10mths - why did he have to touch me - words are one thing but he touched me!

I was freaking out YES but I didn't touch him & would not have!

I loved being "enter his name here" girlfriend.

Now its just me. I guess I need to learn how to be that.

We even had people telling us they loved that we were together & that we made a great couple

I just want him to hold me for him to tell me he is sorry but then I would just be that stupid fucking girl who falls for tricks

He did this once - would he do it again?

This isn't the man I thought I knew.

A Letter to Lauren

I have a new friend from across the globe who I have been emailing with - it is difficult to really get to know one another without me having to explain a lot!!!

This is the portion of the letter of me attempting to explain some of what my life is

"When it comes to buying things - we are not in the position to be buying things at all. That is my problem I love to give gifts - then I never get gifts so I buy myself a crazy one - I just bought myself a bike a few weeks ago too - I am crazy in debt - my husband (im in the process of a divorce) owes me about 1/3 of what my debt is - currently he is not paying for anything - my bf & I live with his parents - I don't know what I would do if I had to pay rent - all of my money other than what I spend on food is supposed to go to my loan sharks - it is completely dreadful

Excessive spending is one of the many signs of being bi-polar - when I learned that I was in some senses relieved because there was a reason I had made a big mess! I had no other excuses for it

I am actually on disability - I receive money from the government monthly because I am not able to GO to work & jobs from home tend to be few & far between & little to no pay

I have been very lucky - I am able to work for the dentist office my mother oversees - I do "behind the scenes" work by making phone calls & folding the bills & stuffing the envelopes & a bunch of mindless uninteresting monotony - I have been doing this for 4 years now - I was going in to the actual office for awhile but have not been able to do that in a long time - It is about 25mins away - It is difficult for me to drive to my moms house that is about 3 minutes away

Have I told you all of this before? It is so draining

My original point being I am not doing much work for the office because it is all starting to seem extremely unimportant & i don't know why they would pay someone to do it - I don't know why I can't just shut up & do it ?!?!? I do accomplish what they need me to accomplish which brings me in a bit more money - I also sell on ebay - opportunities have been luckily coming my way to keep me on my feet

but it is all starting to catch up

my problem currently is ... I don't know where my time goes - the computer takes most of it - I am not finishing anything I am supposed to be finishing - time just dissolves

I think I need to move my dr appt closer"

I sent her this email Monday & today (Tuesday) I called & was able to be seen at the chiropractor in the afternoon & tomorrow at the psychiatrist!

Monday I went to visit my sister - the drive was NOT easy - it was a HUGE ordeal & completely ridiculous - THEY (any drives) have not been easy - I drove to the chiropractor in such fear - the whole way telling myself over & over again that I was going so I could feel better

Monday night I at one point was in a ball of tears on the bed just balling & apologizing over & over to my bf & explaining to him that this monster I have been being is not what I am going for
the next minute I am in so much pain because my ibuprofen has worn off & my whole body has retracted into extreme tightness - this amount of extreme pain is new - it is the migraine from HELL - that is the one of the many reasons I through the chiropractor into the list of appointments to make - I had some relief but now that I have been sitting in my spot on the couch I am in pain

I barely had anything out so I am pretty sure that the lithium is causing physical tension hurting my brain! & making me queasy & feel like i am going to puke at any minute

ok - lost track

chiropractor accomplished - my bones are in place
psychiatrist tomorrow
still hurting badly RIGHT NOW
im going to the bathroom floor now

Bragging Inspired - yuck

I tend to brag about my brother - this is a reoccurring theme I have noticed - yes there is a new baby but that's a bit different :p - all his crazy accomplishments & creations & ideas & & & & & & there are only going to be more

How does someone live up to that? I know I don't have to but it is difficult to look at me & my siblings & feel really positive about myself

Oldest (brother) - graduated on time owns business' even while in high school - super cool - super nerd - busting ass & looking good while doing it - successful marriage ....

Middle (sister) - graduated a few months late - very similar to oldest - awesome artist - more liberal - & all of the above as the oldest yet very different than him & by outward appearance (as in possessions) would probably be voted #2

Me - graduate a while year late - was housebound for over a year due to anxiety & fear of ... of ... living?!?! Can't afford a place to live - no business - barely a job - failed marriage - in a relationship that I don't know where it is going - AHHH! I did graduate & pass the state medical boards for massage therapy - If all the work I have done since my license - it probably does even add up to 20 hours (not including the beggers who I work on for nothing!)

I just want to scream - cigarettes ... mmm ... I mean yuck yuck yuck!

I met a super cool chick online in a swap (she sent me some really cool shit) & now I want to be BFF. Anyway - I mentioned I should just up & move to AUS & she replied telling me how there is totally going to be a place to live soon near here. Little did she know ... I will be thinking about that for WEEKS now! Going over the millions & billions of ways that I could make it happen ... if like most other things - nothing will.

It is really odd though because I have always wanted to move to AUS - no clue why - never been there - really don't know anything about the country - but ever since I was young I was drawn to something.

Probably a book we had as kids ... Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I got out of bed for this one

and it probably makes no sense - or have anything to do with what i was thinking about in there!

Here I am on a night where the sky is continuously flashing with angry bolts of electricity

I think I mentioned that I have been very cryee - everything is bringing tears to my eyes - mostly stupid shit too - I found something I really want I really just want to buy it - I don't have the money though - I have room on credit but I can't do shit that way!

My sister had some insightful things to say to me this evening - don't help people unless they ask - this is going to be crazy hard - i like to do things for people because I want to do things for people - but it isn't working out the way I had planned - I guess I do & help with expectations - I guess I want the people I am "giving/helping" to take it to want it to grab hold & go with

I hear people bitch & complain about what they want what they need & if I just offer my services in any way shape or form - it isn't taken - then I just get PISSED OFF - like WTF aren't you taking this handout I am giving you - I'm not asking anything in return other than you to get your shit in shape - I'm working on mine too but I typically drop everything if someone else needs assistance with anything

Then there are the people that I can't stand saying no to - like my mom & my brother - my own imagination puts unrealistic expectations on myself that I feel these people have on me ... getit? so if I am unable to conclude their requests I fall to my knees

For me & my family that brings to the front that my brother got that put on him - that I see him as more of a fatherly figure than my own father - I am so sorry that this has happened to him & me even - it would be much easier if I gave 2 shits about my dads opinion instead of my brothers - what can I say my brother is pretty fucking cool!

The cymbalta is leaving my body - i told my sister i was going off of the anti-depressant & she said something to the effect of me being able to have emotions again since I have been so emotional

Ok my moment is over - I got distracted my mind has waundered

more to come ... im sure of that!

rip michael j. farrah f. & ed m.

a biz posting

I was really proud of myself today - I rode my bike all by myself a decent ways away from home - it was super crazy hot but i did it!

I was getting a bit anxious but I have gotten in the habit of asking myself "whats the worst thing that could happen" then I answer to myself "I could die" then I am able to press on

Last night B got me out for a walk after I had already walked the dogs yesterday so I got in double the exercise I normally would get! The walk last night was difficult I was tired & full - it was hot & muggy out - I seem to do better when I am with myself too - If it wasn't for my dog dragging me some of the way I think I would have turned around a block from the house

Most of the time I am panicky when I am going away from home - last night we were just circling around to walk back home which to me seemed so much farther away than just turning around & walking the same distance it was just towards the familiarity that I could see

I also did sit ups last night & tonight - I plan to keep it up - I am starting small - did like 20 last night 20 tonight - little at a time - I don't want to be in mass pain or I won't want to do more!

I don't know where my time is going - I feel like I accomplish so much but I don't think I do really - I don't know where my time goes - I get so distracted & bounce all over the place - I am going to be keeping an I on this - I do know I refresh some of my internet account pages too much

Wow lots of interesting things have happened the past 2 days - I started making smoothies! They are always good but I didn't ever image they could be so easy to make!

My sister got a personal blender & said it was awesome - you don't make a huge 42 oz drink that you don't know what to do with after you drink 8 of them!

I picked one up over the weekend & gave it a whirl yesterday - SO AWESOME! Some juice 1/2 a banana some frozen berry fruit mix then blend! Unlock the cup & off you go! Did I mention it was awesome?

I made one yesterday & was very happy/proud - today I got up let the dogs out for their morning pee & made a smoothie in like 5 minutes - right when the dogs were done & ready to eat! LOVED IT!

Usually I wander around the kitchen not knowing what to eat & end up starving 5 hours later! I picked up some protein powder to add to them so it is more filling like a meal.

Yesterday I had some chick freak out at me about me giving a shit - I know it is her own personal issue that she is obviously going through but I felt really crushed - I go out of my way all the time for other people - I love to help people- if I can help I will - I don't ever feel like it is appreciated - when do I get someone who gives a shit

I don't see anyone going out of their way to help me find a place to live a job do taxes figure out a pay off your debt plan or look up what I want on ebay

It isn't that doing these things bothers me = its peoples responses to the gifts - I guess I am expecting people to be more appreciative of what I do for them but dammit when do I get mine!

maybe that is the whole problem to begin with

feelings of today: able to cry at the drop of a hat - fat - abused - lost

I still just want a cool chick friend who doesn't live in another country to hang with

I think I try too hard - I get so excited about spending time with chicks that I know we can bond & be good cool friends & they tend to turn out to be duds - it goes as close as the chick next door who is over obsessed with her bf that she doesn't hang out

someday someday someday
so many things so many things

A Biz Post

So yesterday after a very manic day of fun filled line waiting at the mall to get into the new LEGO store - I splurged & purchased over $80 of LEGO mini figs - they are all extremely cool but now that I have them home I can not justify spending that much money

Today, I drove separately, my bf & I went shopping for his dads fathers day gift - we were picking him out a bike ... GUESS WHO GOT ONE TOO! If you guessed me than you are right!

I am making a good decision now to return the LEGO figs - I did get some for free since it was GRAND OPENING weekend & I won those & I am also going to keep 1 that I had bought.

I really hope I ride my new bike I also got a basket & a bell! LEGOs won't push me to go out of the house, but a bike will!

health update:
I have not been feeling sick like I was - I am supposed to now cut my cymbalta from 30mg a day to 30 every other day for a week - then I will be off of it completely - I hope that isn't too difficult - I don't know what is a good balance - I feel a bit on the manic side but I am not sure if I am just happy?!?! It is all so confusing & no one has the answers!

A Biz Post

It has been a week now - the dr's & I have been working to lower my anti-depressant to NONE!

I love knowing I will be off of some meds instead of adding more to my cocktail - I never thought ridding myself of meds would be this dreadful

I spent the weekend mostly on the bathroom floor or extremely close by - I am having withdraw from Cymbalta - My dr also had me dropping my klonopin at the same time - I think that is what caused all the withdraw symptoms

I don't handle med changes well - when she first started me on a "normal" beginning dosage of Lithium I couldn't hang with it - TOO MUCH - I am very sensitive to what is in my body - well in recent cases what is NOT in my body.

I have come to the conculsion that I would never be able to do hard street drugs (not that I was planning on it!) I would not be able to handle the withdraw symptoms - I am still having some twinges of withdraw roll through randomly throughout the day

They feel like mini panic attacks - I HATE that feeling - it truely scares me. I do NOT want to go back to what I have been working so hard to alleviate.