A Letter to Lauren

I have a new friend from across the globe who I have been emailing with - it is difficult to really get to know one another without me having to explain a lot!!!

This is the portion of the letter of me attempting to explain some of what my life is

"When it comes to buying things - we are not in the position to be buying things at all. That is my problem I love to give gifts - then I never get gifts so I buy myself a crazy one - I just bought myself a bike a few weeks ago too - I am crazy in debt - my husband (im in the process of a divorce) owes me about 1/3 of what my debt is - currently he is not paying for anything - my bf & I live with his parents - I don't know what I would do if I had to pay rent - all of my money other than what I spend on food is supposed to go to my loan sharks - it is completely dreadful

Excessive spending is one of the many signs of being bi-polar - when I learned that I was in some senses relieved because there was a reason I had made a big mess! I had no other excuses for it

I am actually on disability - I receive money from the government monthly because I am not able to GO to work & jobs from home tend to be few & far between & little to no pay

I have been very lucky - I am able to work for the dentist office my mother oversees - I do "behind the scenes" work by making phone calls & folding the bills & stuffing the envelopes & a bunch of mindless uninteresting monotony - I have been doing this for 4 years now - I was going in to the actual office for awhile but have not been able to do that in a long time - It is about 25mins away - It is difficult for me to drive to my moms house that is about 3 minutes away

Have I told you all of this before? It is so draining

My original point being I am not doing much work for the office because it is all starting to seem extremely unimportant & i don't know why they would pay someone to do it - I don't know why I can't just shut up & do it ?!?!? I do accomplish what they need me to accomplish which brings me in a bit more money - I also sell on ebay - opportunities have been luckily coming my way to keep me on my feet

but it is all starting to catch up

my problem currently is ... I don't know where my time goes - the computer takes most of it - I am not finishing anything I am supposed to be finishing - time just dissolves

I think I need to move my dr appt closer"

I sent her this email Monday & today (Tuesday) I called & was able to be seen at the chiropractor in the afternoon & tomorrow at the psychiatrist!

Monday I went to visit my sister - the drive was NOT easy - it was a HUGE ordeal & completely ridiculous - THEY (any drives) have not been easy - I drove to the chiropractor in such fear - the whole way telling myself over & over again that I was going so I could feel better

Monday night I at one point was in a ball of tears on the bed just balling & apologizing over & over to my bf & explaining to him that this monster I have been being is not what I am going for
the next minute I am in so much pain because my ibuprofen has worn off & my whole body has retracted into extreme tightness - this amount of extreme pain is new - it is the migraine from HELL - that is the one of the many reasons I through the chiropractor into the list of appointments to make - I had some relief but now that I have been sitting in my spot on the couch I am in pain

I barely had anything out so I am pretty sure that the lithium is causing physical tension hurting my brain! & making me queasy & feel like i am going to puke at any minute

ok - lost track

chiropractor accomplished - my bones are in place
psychiatrist tomorrow
still hurting badly RIGHT NOW
im going to the bathroom floor now