I got out of bed for this one

and it probably makes no sense - or have anything to do with what i was thinking about in there!

Here I am on a night where the sky is continuously flashing with angry bolts of electricity

I think I mentioned that I have been very cryee - everything is bringing tears to my eyes - mostly stupid shit too - I found something I really want I really just want to buy it - I don't have the money though - I have room on credit but I can't do shit that way!

My sister had some insightful things to say to me this evening - don't help people unless they ask - this is going to be crazy hard - i like to do things for people because I want to do things for people - but it isn't working out the way I had planned - I guess I do & help with expectations - I guess I want the people I am "giving/helping" to take it to want it to grab hold & go with

I hear people bitch & complain about what they want what they need & if I just offer my services in any way shape or form - it isn't taken - then I just get PISSED OFF - like WTF aren't you taking this handout I am giving you - I'm not asking anything in return other than you to get your shit in shape - I'm working on mine too but I typically drop everything if someone else needs assistance with anything

Then there are the people that I can't stand saying no to - like my mom & my brother - my own imagination puts unrealistic expectations on myself that I feel these people have on me ... getit? so if I am unable to conclude their requests I fall to my knees

For me & my family that brings to the front that my brother got that put on him - that I see him as more of a fatherly figure than my own father - I am so sorry that this has happened to him & me even - it would be much easier if I gave 2 shits about my dads opinion instead of my brothers - what can I say my brother is pretty fucking cool!

The cymbalta is leaving my body - i told my sister i was going off of the anti-depressant & she said something to the effect of me being able to have emotions again since I have been so emotional

Ok my moment is over - I got distracted my mind has waundered

more to come ... im sure of that!

rip michael j. farrah f. & ed m.