Tuesday

I accidentally stayed the night with him last night - it was a total accident I passed out on the couch I was so tired - he moved me to the bed at some point but I don't really remember - I know I slept in all my clothes - I woke up when he got home from court - he asked for a continuance meaning he doesn't say he is guilty or not till later - he has to get a lawyer

He told me that we have to say we don't know what happened & how we got physical ... I know I was totally out of line & in his face but why would I even think of touching him - he says he was "restraining" me - I don't get it - I hadn't touched him & why would I - I am a bitch & I am a verbal fighter but I don't put my hands on people

It really sucks that I can come up with so many reasons of why this situation could happen.

I went over there early this evening - we ordered pizza & watched a movie!!! OMG!!! (he thinks movies are a waste of time)

When I first got there he was doing something downstairs so I walked upstairs & ordered dinner - I went to use the bathroom & on the bed was Violet(the blythe doll I wanted)! I ran out of the room & sat on the couch really fast! I didn't want to take away from him giving her to me

So then we did it ... I couldn't resist - I have been holding off for days - I even was annoyed that the night this all happened that I hadn't gotten some beforehand! I typically have NO libido whatsoever but since my med changes it is flying HIGH!!! We were in the living room so when we were done I made sure not to look to my right when I went in the room to go to the bathroom (he was probably like "she didn't see it ?!?!" heehee then while I was doing my thing out of the corner of my eye I saw him cover her up with a towel - when I went to walk out of the room he attempted to "TADA" me with her but I was going to quick so I wouldn't see her that I missed it

I got dressed & was on the floor checking something online & he was scooting her box up to me all creepy like!! I turned & was like AHH damn these things are a bit creepy!! :p

He did play some video games why I took a ton of shitty pics of her with my phone!

We settled in & watched the movie till about 20 mins were left & I decided we needed to do it again :)

He isn't a big sex fiend or anything - after the 1st time I told him we would be doing it every hour on the hour - I was giving him shit for not holding up to it!

His friend stopped by & hung out for a bit - I felt kind of stupid sitting there knowing this guy knows some shit went down & I am still sitting here - I started looking at apartments online & b ended up moving from next to me to down on the floor - I don't think he liked what he was seeing

I was close to leaving but he disappeared (he was downstairs packing his lunch) so I was just kind of waiting

He came back upstairs & ... well ... I went for a 3rd time - afterwards I was like ok gotta go (not like wham bam thank ya mam) he asked me why - I told him I had to feed my dog & take my meds - he whimpered a bit & I came home (I knew I could have given lila some of cash's food & I also had my meds with me)

Im supposed to talk to him tomorrow (well today) - he has to work at 7am & he is hoping he hasn't lost his job because he hasn't talked to anyone just left messages about not being able to come in

He told one of his friends he might hang out with them tomorrow night so I don't know if we will hang out or not

I don't know what I think about all this - it seems like he thinks "restraining" me was necessary & that makes no sense to me at all!

I know that I will need to go to court when he has to go for sentencing - I am going to write what I am going to say beforehand - I know I am going to suggest anger management classes & I am going to explain what a stressful situation we have been living in

I don't want to give him the benefit of the doubt but in so many ways I guess I can't blame him - with all my med changes & all the different people I have been during it - he told me he saw a demon in my eyes - that he saw my evil twin - all I could say was "well I am a gemini"

It is all starting to blur together & I don't know anymore *sigh*

I see my therapist tomorrow

meds -
600mg lithium
300mg seroquel
1mg klonopin
pre-menstrual

Today

He is sitting in jail today - he turned himself in so he can clear the warrant
I have seen him the past 2 days & he says he misses me a lot & doesn't want me to leave at bedtime - I am really proud of myself for leaving both nights

He is scared today - his mom told me he was really nervous this morning

I don't know what will happen with him & I - I love him so much but he needs help & I can't change him

Taking it slow is the way to go

Im working to find a place of my own - its scary but much needed - I have been connected at the hip with someone as far as I can I remember - it is about time I break loose & find myself

Everything happens for a reason - I hope he is finding his reason.

I think I am still in shock

i don't know what happened

I remember being tense - I remember going outside to eat alone because I was aggravated & wanted to calm down

next thing I know I am drop kicking my food & screaming just to throw it in the trash like my food from the night before & leave me alone!

After being ordered to leave by my bf because I was being "crazy" he made a CHOICE to then physically attack me - when all I wanted to do was walk past him to go get some pants & my keys

I remember being upside down in a headlock with my hands grabbing for something anything to get him off of me - i don't know how we separated that time but then I was going around the house to go in the front to get my shit - this time running into him in the living room for the same thing to happen - this time me eating the floor & having massive rug burn across my face

My whole body hurts today - my mind & my heart the worst

Last night I could not get comfortable at all - my ears hurt - I am guessing from my head being shoved up against him - my right hand pinky - my left side & it really hurts to move my neck - im so glad I went to the chiropractor 3 days before *eyeroll*

All of my stuff is in my mothers garage

I really thought things were changing - I really thought our relationship was getting stronger - I was seeing him care for me more than others had - I know I am not easy to handle & he was doing so great at dealing with me - I was so happy that we had just celebrated 10mths - why did he have to touch me - words are one thing but he touched me!

I was freaking out YES but I didn't touch him & would not have!

I loved being "enter his name here" girlfriend.

Now its just me. I guess I need to learn how to be that.

We even had people telling us they loved that we were together & that we made a great couple

I just want him to hold me for him to tell me he is sorry but then I would just be that stupid fucking girl who falls for tricks

He did this once - would he do it again?

This isn't the man I thought I knew.

A Letter to Lauren

I have a new friend from across the globe who I have been emailing with - it is difficult to really get to know one another without me having to explain a lot!!!

This is the portion of the letter of me attempting to explain some of what my life is

"When it comes to buying things - we are not in the position to be buying things at all. That is my problem I love to give gifts - then I never get gifts so I buy myself a crazy one - I just bought myself a bike a few weeks ago too - I am crazy in debt - my husband (im in the process of a divorce) owes me about 1/3 of what my debt is - currently he is not paying for anything - my bf & I live with his parents - I don't know what I would do if I had to pay rent - all of my money other than what I spend on food is supposed to go to my loan sharks - it is completely dreadful

Excessive spending is one of the many signs of being bi-polar - when I learned that I was in some senses relieved because there was a reason I had made a big mess! I had no other excuses for it

I am actually on disability - I receive money from the government monthly because I am not able to GO to work & jobs from home tend to be few & far between & little to no pay

I have been very lucky - I am able to work for the dentist office my mother oversees - I do "behind the scenes" work by making phone calls & folding the bills & stuffing the envelopes & a bunch of mindless uninteresting monotony - I have been doing this for 4 years now - I was going in to the actual office for awhile but have not been able to do that in a long time - It is about 25mins away - It is difficult for me to drive to my moms house that is about 3 minutes away

Have I told you all of this before? It is so draining

My original point being I am not doing much work for the office because it is all starting to seem extremely unimportant & i don't know why they would pay someone to do it - I don't know why I can't just shut up & do it ?!?!? I do accomplish what they need me to accomplish which brings me in a bit more money - I also sell on ebay - opportunities have been luckily coming my way to keep me on my feet

but it is all starting to catch up

my problem currently is ... I don't know where my time goes - the computer takes most of it - I am not finishing anything I am supposed to be finishing - time just dissolves

I think I need to move my dr appt closer"

I sent her this email Monday & today (Tuesday) I called & was able to be seen at the chiropractor in the afternoon & tomorrow at the psychiatrist!

Monday I went to visit my sister - the drive was NOT easy - it was a HUGE ordeal & completely ridiculous - THEY (any drives) have not been easy - I drove to the chiropractor in such fear - the whole way telling myself over & over again that I was going so I could feel better

Monday night I at one point was in a ball of tears on the bed just balling & apologizing over & over to my bf & explaining to him that this monster I have been being is not what I am going for
the next minute I am in so much pain because my ibuprofen has worn off & my whole body has retracted into extreme tightness - this amount of extreme pain is new - it is the migraine from HELL - that is the one of the many reasons I through the chiropractor into the list of appointments to make - I had some relief but now that I have been sitting in my spot on the couch I am in pain

I barely had anything out so I am pretty sure that the lithium is causing physical tension hurting my brain! & making me queasy & feel like i am going to puke at any minute

ok - lost track

chiropractor accomplished - my bones are in place
psychiatrist tomorrow
still hurting badly RIGHT NOW
im going to the bathroom floor now