Bragging Inspired - yuck

I tend to brag about my brother - this is a reoccurring theme I have noticed - yes there is a new baby but that's a bit different :p - all his crazy accomplishments & creations & ideas & & & & & & there are only going to be more

How does someone live up to that? I know I don't have to but it is difficult to look at me & my siblings & feel really positive about myself

Oldest (brother) - graduated on time owns business' even while in high school - super cool - super nerd - busting ass & looking good while doing it - successful marriage ....

Middle (sister) - graduated a few months late - very similar to oldest - awesome artist - more liberal - & all of the above as the oldest yet very different than him & by outward appearance (as in possessions) would probably be voted #2

Me - graduate a while year late - was housebound for over a year due to anxiety & fear of ... of ... living?!?! Can't afford a place to live - no business - barely a job - failed marriage - in a relationship that I don't know where it is going - AHHH! I did graduate & pass the state medical boards for massage therapy - If all the work I have done since my license - it probably does even add up to 20 hours (not including the beggers who I work on for nothing!)

I just want to scream - cigarettes ... mmm ... I mean yuck yuck yuck!

I met a super cool chick online in a swap (she sent me some really cool shit) & now I want to be BFF. Anyway - I mentioned I should just up & move to AUS & she replied telling me how there is totally going to be a place to live soon near here. Little did she know ... I will be thinking about that for WEEKS now! Going over the millions & billions of ways that I could make it happen ... if like most other things - nothing will.

It is really odd though because I have always wanted to move to AUS - no clue why - never been there - really don't know anything about the country - but ever since I was young I was drawn to something.

Probably a book we had as kids ... Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I got out of bed for this one

and it probably makes no sense - or have anything to do with what i was thinking about in there!

Here I am on a night where the sky is continuously flashing with angry bolts of electricity

I think I mentioned that I have been very cryee - everything is bringing tears to my eyes - mostly stupid shit too - I found something I really want I really just want to buy it - I don't have the money though - I have room on credit but I can't do shit that way!

My sister had some insightful things to say to me this evening - don't help people unless they ask - this is going to be crazy hard - i like to do things for people because I want to do things for people - but it isn't working out the way I had planned - I guess I do & help with expectations - I guess I want the people I am "giving/helping" to take it to want it to grab hold & go with

I hear people bitch & complain about what they want what they need & if I just offer my services in any way shape or form - it isn't taken - then I just get PISSED OFF - like WTF aren't you taking this handout I am giving you - I'm not asking anything in return other than you to get your shit in shape - I'm working on mine too but I typically drop everything if someone else needs assistance with anything

Then there are the people that I can't stand saying no to - like my mom & my brother - my own imagination puts unrealistic expectations on myself that I feel these people have on me ... getit? so if I am unable to conclude their requests I fall to my knees

For me & my family that brings to the front that my brother got that put on him - that I see him as more of a fatherly figure than my own father - I am so sorry that this has happened to him & me even - it would be much easier if I gave 2 shits about my dads opinion instead of my brothers - what can I say my brother is pretty fucking cool!

The cymbalta is leaving my body - i told my sister i was going off of the anti-depressant & she said something to the effect of me being able to have emotions again since I have been so emotional

Ok my moment is over - I got distracted my mind has waundered

more to come ... im sure of that!

rip michael j. farrah f. & ed m.

a biz posting

I was really proud of myself today - I rode my bike all by myself a decent ways away from home - it was super crazy hot but i did it!

I was getting a bit anxious but I have gotten in the habit of asking myself "whats the worst thing that could happen" then I answer to myself "I could die" then I am able to press on

Last night B got me out for a walk after I had already walked the dogs yesterday so I got in double the exercise I normally would get! The walk last night was difficult I was tired & full - it was hot & muggy out - I seem to do better when I am with myself too - If it wasn't for my dog dragging me some of the way I think I would have turned around a block from the house

Most of the time I am panicky when I am going away from home - last night we were just circling around to walk back home which to me seemed so much farther away than just turning around & walking the same distance it was just towards the familiarity that I could see

I also did sit ups last night & tonight - I plan to keep it up - I am starting small - did like 20 last night 20 tonight - little at a time - I don't want to be in mass pain or I won't want to do more!

I don't know where my time is going - I feel like I accomplish so much but I don't think I do really - I don't know where my time goes - I get so distracted & bounce all over the place - I am going to be keeping an I on this - I do know I refresh some of my internet account pages too much

Wow lots of interesting things have happened the past 2 days - I started making smoothies! They are always good but I didn't ever image they could be so easy to make!

My sister got a personal blender & said it was awesome - you don't make a huge 42 oz drink that you don't know what to do with after you drink 8 of them!

I picked one up over the weekend & gave it a whirl yesterday - SO AWESOME! Some juice 1/2 a banana some frozen berry fruit mix then blend! Unlock the cup & off you go! Did I mention it was awesome?

I made one yesterday & was very happy/proud - today I got up let the dogs out for their morning pee & made a smoothie in like 5 minutes - right when the dogs were done & ready to eat! LOVED IT!

Usually I wander around the kitchen not knowing what to eat & end up starving 5 hours later! I picked up some protein powder to add to them so it is more filling like a meal.

Yesterday I had some chick freak out at me about me giving a shit - I know it is her own personal issue that she is obviously going through but I felt really crushed - I go out of my way all the time for other people - I love to help people- if I can help I will - I don't ever feel like it is appreciated - when do I get someone who gives a shit

I don't see anyone going out of their way to help me find a place to live a job do taxes figure out a pay off your debt plan or look up what I want on ebay

It isn't that doing these things bothers me = its peoples responses to the gifts - I guess I am expecting people to be more appreciative of what I do for them but dammit when do I get mine!

maybe that is the whole problem to begin with

feelings of today: able to cry at the drop of a hat - fat - abused - lost

I still just want a cool chick friend who doesn't live in another country to hang with

I think I try too hard - I get so excited about spending time with chicks that I know we can bond & be good cool friends & they tend to turn out to be duds - it goes as close as the chick next door who is over obsessed with her bf that she doesn't hang out

someday someday someday
so many things so many things

A Biz Post

So yesterday after a very manic day of fun filled line waiting at the mall to get into the new LEGO store - I splurged & purchased over $80 of LEGO mini figs - they are all extremely cool but now that I have them home I can not justify spending that much money

Today, I drove separately, my bf & I went shopping for his dads fathers day gift - we were picking him out a bike ... GUESS WHO GOT ONE TOO! If you guessed me than you are right!

I am making a good decision now to return the LEGO figs - I did get some for free since it was GRAND OPENING weekend & I won those & I am also going to keep 1 that I had bought.

I really hope I ride my new bike I also got a basket & a bell! LEGOs won't push me to go out of the house, but a bike will!

health update:
I have not been feeling sick like I was - I am supposed to now cut my cymbalta from 30mg a day to 30 every other day for a week - then I will be off of it completely - I hope that isn't too difficult - I don't know what is a good balance - I feel a bit on the manic side but I am not sure if I am just happy?!?! It is all so confusing & no one has the answers!

A Biz Post

It has been a week now - the dr's & I have been working to lower my anti-depressant to NONE!

I love knowing I will be off of some meds instead of adding more to my cocktail - I never thought ridding myself of meds would be this dreadful

I spent the weekend mostly on the bathroom floor or extremely close by - I am having withdraw from Cymbalta - My dr also had me dropping my klonopin at the same time - I think that is what caused all the withdraw symptoms

I don't handle med changes well - when she first started me on a "normal" beginning dosage of Lithium I couldn't hang with it - TOO MUCH - I am very sensitive to what is in my body - well in recent cases what is NOT in my body.

I have come to the conculsion that I would never be able to do hard street drugs (not that I was planning on it!) I would not be able to handle the withdraw symptoms - I am still having some twinges of withdraw roll through randomly throughout the day

They feel like mini panic attacks - I HATE that feeling - it truely scares me. I do NOT want to go back to what I have been working so hard to alleviate.