boys

An email I wrote to a friend -

So the "friend" came over last night - he brought himself a beer (RARE) & a blunt. After I have expressed to him (of course not last night accourding to him) how difficult it is for me to have nothing to use to drown in my sorrows - but of course thats not what he is doing - so I had to freak out (all phone convo after he left) at him basically to make him understand that I have nothing to get my mind of this world no way to chill out no way to cope - he told me I have xanax. Then I had to go into a whole schpeal about hot that is so I can go places so I can calm my body down how it isn't something I even want to take - that it isn't something to get me wasted - of course all these convos happen when he is "super tired" well it isn't my fucking fault he only hangs out with me at night & when he leaves all this is brewing.

He seriously thinks/thought we could go from being "lovers" to being "friends" without any time apart - he doesn't understand me & I don't understand him - I explained how it is so confusing & he thinks because we stop cuddling & we haven't had sex in awhile that the confusion just should have stopped! HAA!

off topic - i think my dog is pouting & it is really funny - she keeps playing the inside/outside game UGH - then when she comes in she thinks she is supposed to give her a treat because I was doing that for awhile working to get a new trick out of her - boy that was a fuck up! now she stands by the door when she comes in like WTF!

So today is a new day & I don't know what it will bring - I work really hard at not contacting him - he tells me that this friend thing is all about hanging out & getting to know each other because people change!! again WTF!! umm yeah people do change but not in an instant

He says that he eventually sees us back together - he will have to do a lot of changing to get me back - guys are difficult I know - but I know there is one out there who is better for me & stronger for me & enjoys the same things I do & isn't so damn selfish & stuck up their own ass

Did you know in our whole year+ relationship he never got me flowers till we "broke up" & he didn't get me flowers he got me a PLANT! A yard plant that I am supposed to put in my rented properties yard when neither of us even have a shovel?!?!

He told me like an hour before midnight the night before valentines day that he doesn't celebrate it - of course after I already had him a few small gifts some cards & some candy to give him sporadically through the day - nothing for sweetest day (which I don't really care about but kept reminding him about to give him a chance) & for our 1yr anniversary he gave me a card - yes I was in the hospital but nothing afterwards - Oh & he had already declared no presents - which of course being the kind of person I am I want to give give give & forced myself only to give him a $7 gift that I ran into at a craft store that was of meerkats - which at the time we were addicted to Meerkat Manor - just recently he told me his dog ate it & he was really sad & right now my dumb ass who told him last night was it - that it is all over & I can't see him anymore is now wanting to call the store & see if they have another one & the leave it for him in his car or on his porch - AHHHH!

I really have a difficult problem letting go. I think I need to work on that.